Sex and Muslim youth

Parents fail to realise that EVERYONE is teaching your child about sex EXCEPT you. Everyone else is telling your kids about sex . How sure are you that this information is based on the guidelines laid down in Islam or is sex a fashionable industry that changes like the flavour of the month. Sex is a topic that advertisers and marketers use very effectively to sell their products. Unfortunately , the sources of information available to the pre-teen who is about to become a teenager are often biased. In this mirage , an illusion is created that ‘everyone” is having sex and that in this modern times , ‘anything goes “ and ‘ you only live once” so make the best of it. It is ‘cool’ to chew a particular brand of chewing gum or smoke a particular brand of cigarette because that makes you ‘rich’ , ‘successful’ and will ensure that you can attract the ‘perfect’ partner. In fact , reality is far removed from the illusion that is fed to the senses of our unsuspecting youth.

With aggressive and sustained marketing, society comes to accept “abnormal” activities as ‘normal’; 10 years ago , what was considered ‘abnormal’ , ‘unthinkable ‘, ‘abhorrent ‘, “immoral “and “ shameful” is today considered “fashionable” , “normal” and “modern” .A typical example is, that after watching a few episodes of any prime-time soap opera on TV , one would get the impression that adultery is acceptable and normal ; pre-marital sex is in ‘fashion’ and that deceit , trickery , lying and manipulation are essential to “get” your man or woman no matter what the cost or hurt that others suffer in the process. Furthermore , the printed and visual media create the impression that marriage is old fashioned , live-in relationships and cohabitation are in vogue , being gay is fashionable , homosexuality , bestiality , escort clubs (prostitution) are all “normal”. We have reached a stage (through effective marketing) where certain individuals in society justify everything on their right to freedom of expression . If this is really ‘freedom” . then why do we see so many examples of the following scenarios :

(1) young adults are being infected with the HIV virus at an alarming rate ; South Africa has one of the fastest rate of growth in the number of infected people worldwide ; HIV/AIDS has reached epidemic proportions in this country . The age group that is mainly targeted is the teenagers and young adults

(2) a devout mother , loyal to her husband , suddenly develops a sexually transmitted disease (such as syphillis , gonorrhoea or Herpes or even HIV/ AIDS) ; how did this happen ? STD’s has reached epidemic proportions in the USA where 40 million people are infected with some form of STD

(3) Teenage pregnancy is on the increase ; girls as young as 11 are falling pregnant ie a child is pregnant with a child; many teenagers are having abortions which lead to emotional, physical and mental side effects

(4) Girls as young as 10-12 are having unprotected sex with devastating consequences ; when questioned , these young children say : “ no one told me that it is wrong ‘

(5) Wonderful homes breaks up and end in divorce because the husband (or wife ) was having an adulterous relationship; the main victims in this scenario are the children

(7) Homosexuality is on the increases ;these acts of sodomy that were once considered an abomination against humanity , are now considered “normal” to the extent that gay marriages are being allowed in some parts of the world.

(8) More and more relationships end up in hurt, depression , unhappiness , conflicts and regret

The above examples show that the issue of ‘sexual liberation” has in fact enslaved the very people that it attempts to free .The sexual liberators are being enslaved in the chains of disease , depression , divorce , dissatisfaction, double-standards, deceit and discontent. Individuals, organizations and governments are actively searching for solutions to halt this tide of immorality and its associated truckload of problems. Recent research has shown that 2/3^rd of the schools in USA are now promoting the idea of “no sex before marriage” and that “safe sex” is not “use condoms” , but that the only safe sex is “no sex before marriage “ and only 1 sex partner for life (ie no adultery). Furthermore , many states in the USA are promoting the idea of having pride in remaining a virgin until marriage and many students are signing certificates vowing their commitment to this new “fashion” of abstinence. How long will this last ? Will we once again undergo a new sexual revolution ?

The answer to this dilemma and to all dilemmas facing any society where the fabric of society is under threat from immorality , alcoholism, drugs, gambling, crime, dishonesty , and materialism can be found in the Holy Quran which has been sent for all humanity. Its principles have a universal application for all times. It has been the task of the Holy Prophet Mohamed (SAW) to give a practical implementation to the Universal message of the Holy Quran so that anyone that follows the perfect example of the Holy Prophet (SAW) will be on the Straight Path.

WHAT IS THE ISLAMIC VIEW ON THESE PROBLEMS ?

FORNICATION (ZINNA): to have sex with anyone while not yet married ; there are 2 types of fornication :

(b) an unmarried person who has sex with a married person ; in this case , it is ‘fornication’ for the unmarried person but ‘adultery’ for the married person.

ADULTERY : to have sex with a person who is not your legally married partner ; there are 2 types of adultery :

MARRIAGE : Public proclamation that gives legal, physical & spiritual license to have sex with your partner

Would you like adultery for your mother, wife, sister, daughter , if not , then why perpetuate it or condone it ? There are several Verses in the Holy Quran and many authentic Ahadith of the Holy Prophet (SAW) , which give clear Guidance on the choices that we can make.

SURAH 7 VERSE 33 : “Say : the things that my Lord hath indeed forbidden are : shameful deeds , whether open or secret;..”

Surah 17 : Verse 32 : Nor come nigh to adultery : for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils)

(1) marriage is a sacred relationship between a husband and his wife ; when either spouse has a sexual relationship outside this relationship , this is usually done secretly , thus there is breakdown of trust in the relationship.

(2) The guilty party may contract a sexually transmitted disease which can then be transmitted to the innocent victim.

(3) The victim is usually the female ; she has 2 options : either to stay and turn a blind eye to what the father of her children is doing or she can ask for a divorce ; if the woman does not have a source of income , she either has to return to her parents and thus be a burden to them or eke out a living thus raising her children in poverty.

(4) Children are the innocent victims in divorce : they bear the brunt of the constant fights between their parents and grow up with emotional & psychological scars

SURAH 25 : VERSE 68-69 Those who invoke not, with Allah , any other god, nor slay such life as God has made sacred , except for just cause, nor commit fornication ; and any that does this (not only) meets punishment (but) the Penalty on the Day of Judgement will be doubled to him , and he will dwell therein in ignominy

In this verse , the sin of fornication is given its seriousness by being placed in ranking as follows:

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: When a man commits fornication, faith departs from him and there is something like a canvas roof over his head; and when he quits that action, faith returns to him. (Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4673 Narrated by Abu Hurairah)

The Prophet said, "The one who commits an illegal sexual intercourse is not a believer at the time of committing illegal sexual intercourse and a thief is not a believer at the time of committing theft and a drinker of alcoholic drink is not a believer at the time of drinking. Yet, (the gate of) repentance is open thereafter." (Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.801 Narrated by Abu Huraira)

SURAH 24 VERSE 2 : The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication –flog each of them with a hundred stripes : let not compassion move you in their case , in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day.

Furthermore , if the girl becomes pregnant as a consequence of this pre-marital or extra-marital act , then the child is not considered a legal heir according to the following Hadith:

The Prophet (SAW) said, "If a man commits fornication with a free woman or a slave woman the child is the product of fornication, and neither does he inherit nor may anyone inherit from him." (Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3054 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As)

SURAH 24 VERSE 33 : Let those who find not the wherewithal for marriage keep themselves chaste , until Allah gives them means out of His Grace..”

SURAH 33 VERSE 35 : For Muslim men & women,- for believing men and women , for devout men and women , for men and women who are patient and constant , for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity , for men and women who fast, for men and women who guard their chastity , and for men and women who engage much in Allah’s Praise – for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and a great reward”

Muslim males and females are enjoined to marry . There are various guidelines pertaining to selecting a suitable partner in life. This choice cannot be left to chance. However , if anyone does not have the means to marry , this dilemma does not entitle anyone to fornicate ; rather they are enjoined to remain chaste and to patiently persevere and seek help from Allah (SWT). To guard your chastity is a test from Allah (SWT) and requires a lot of discipline and will power. However , those individuals who succeed in avoiding fornication and adultery , “for them has Allah (SWT) prepared forgiveness and a great reward”. Furthermore , there are clear instructions for those people who commit fornication and then decide to marry according to the following Verse:

SURAH 24 VERSE 3 : Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an unbeliever : nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman : to the believers such a thing is forbidden.

SURAH 5 VERSE 5 : (Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are believers , but chaste women amoung the People of the Book, revealed before your time,- when you give them their due dowers , and desire chastity , not lewdness, nor secret intrigues. “

These verses emphasize the need and pursuit of sexual purity both before marriage and within marriage and give guidelines as to the selection of a partner. Sex counselors and Psychologists now confirm the wisdom behind these verses . A person who has multiple partners is always comparing the spouse on his/her performance compared to other partners. If an “experienced” boy marries a virgin wife , he may be unhappy with her inexperience and may expect (and sometimes demand) more. . This leads to a very fragile relationship which is bound to flounder. Unfortunately , some boys have a double standard wherein they feel free to have sex with multiple partners (before marriage) but insist that their wife must be a virgin.

Islam places a very high emphasis on hygiene and cleanliness. This requirement , together with sexual purity both before marriage and during marriage , tremendously minimizes the risks of diseases associated with the sexual organs. The need and emphasis on cleanliness is highlighted in the following :

SURAH 5 VERSE 6 : O ye who believe! when ye prepare for prayer wash your faces and your hands (and arms) to the elbows; rub your heads (with water); and (wash) your feet to the ankles. If ye are in a state of ceremonial impurity bathe your whole body.

Abu Hurairah(RA) reported that the Prophet, upon whom be peace, said, "When anyone sits between the four parts of her body and exerts himself (has intercourse), bathing becomes obligatory (for both)." (Related by Ahmad and Muslim.)

Sa'eed ibn al-Musayyab(RA) reported that Abu Musa al-Ash'ari(RA) said to 'Aishah(RA), "I would like to ask you something, but I am embarrassed." She said, "Ask and don't be shy, for I am your mother." He asked about a man who had intercourse but did not ejaculate. She said, on the authority of the Prophet(SAW), "If the two circumcised parts encountered each other, ghusl is obligatory." This hadith is related by Ahmad and Malik

Musaykah, a slave-girl of some Ansari, came and said: My master forces me to commit fornication. Thereupon the following verse was revealed: "But force not your maids to prostitution (when they desire chastity)."

It is a very sad reflection on our society that some people are forced into prostitution due to circumstances which may be beyond their control. The most wicked and severe form of prostitution is that of enforced child prostitution either by their parents (very rarely but most abhorrent) , caregivers or swindlers. Furthermore , studies have shown that there is a very high correlation between Prostitution and Drugs. Drug dealers usually prey on unsuspecting teenagers at shopping malls, cinemas, and schools by offering them free drugs . The unsuspecting teenagers get addicted and involuntarily become ‘customers for life “ to these drug dealers. The teenagers then resort to begging , stealing and prostituting to service this habit.. Teenagers should be on the alert for pimps and drug dealers –nothing in life comes for free – there is always a catch. Be alert. Furthermore , be very alert to the dangers presented by Paedophiles , who derive a perverted sense of pleasure in abusing young children.

Adultery and fornication does not happen automatically , as indicated in the following Hadith. The mind plays an important role in the whole scenario. Everyone is constantly bombarded with visual , auditory and tactile stimuli that are processed in the mind. These messages can either be controlled or uncontrolled. If the teenager has a low self esteem and wants to be accepted by his friends , he will give in to temptation. On the other hand , the teenager who is firm in his faith in Allah(SWT) and who has a positive and solid self esteem , uses his powers of will control to harness the temptations into another form of energy .

I did not see anything so resembling minor sins as what Abu Huraira said from the Prophet(SAW), who said, "Allah(SWT) has written for the son of Adam his inevitable share of adultery whether he is aware of it or not: The adultery of the eye is the looking (at something which is sinful to look at), and the adultery of the tongue is to utter (what it is unlawful to utter), and the inner self wishes and longs for (adultery) and the private parts turn that into reality or refrain from submitting to the temptation."

The Prophet(SAW) said "From among the portents of the Hour is that ……..(open) illegal sexual intercourse will prevail, and men will decrease in number while women will increase . Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.800A Narrated by Anas

This Hadith of the Holy Prophet (SAW) very accurately describes our current day state of affairs. San Francisco and Sydney are famous for their open day “Gay Liberation “ celebrations. Nudist colonies , escort agencies, pornography , teenage pregnancies and adultery are so common that people seem to be fighting a losing battle against this tidal wave of immorality and have come to accept all of these activities as the ‘modern generation.” Furthermore , with each generation , the level and availability of lewdness is increasing ; for example , pornography is available in our homes on TV and the Internet thus affecting the mindset of our children from an early age. Homosexuality is gaining support throughout many parts of the world. Some advocates of the Gay movement are claiming that they are born gay. This is a ruse to cover their shameful behaviour. Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice. Allah (SWT) created everything in pairs , male and female. Anyone who goes against this Plan , will be answerable to Allah (SWT).

The above verses from the Holy Quran and various Ahadith of the Holy Prophet Mohamed (SAW) clearly indicate that both fornication and adultery are forbidden in Islam ; furthermore , the long term harm of these acts far outweigh and short-term momentary gratification.

In simple terms , the Islamic requirement is as follows :

(1) boys and girls should not have sex before they are married

(2) sex is only permissible between legally married partners

(3) within the arena of the marriage contract , sex is a sacred , private and personal act between the married couple only ; this means that the husband and wife should guard the ‘bedroom secrets” from all prying ears and eyes.

(4) neither of the partners is allowed to have sex with anyone else ; this means that neither the husband nor the wife can indulge in the Western fashions of ‘wife swopping parties” , visiting prostitutes , or having sex with another married or single person

(5) if the husband is legally married to more than 1 wife (up to a maximum of 4) then he is legally allowed to have sex with all 4 wives provided that he treats all of them totally equally regarding how he treats them and how much time he spends with each one.

(6) when in doubt about anything , use the Holy Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW) to give clarity on any matter

ROLE OF THE PARENTS

Our children are faced daily with images on TV, Movies, newspapers , videos, internet , magazines , books , friends etc about the ‘sexual revolution” . Their young minds are being brainwashed with ideas that morals , modesty and values are ‘old fashioned “ . If we do not tell our children about the facts of life and what is acceptable moral behaviour from a cultural , and more importantly from an Islamic viewpoint , then we should share the blame with our children if they get ensnared in the vices of sex, drugs , teenage pregnancy , prostitution , alcohol & gambling. The methodology should be as follows :

your body is now undergoing various changes that will prepare you to be a women. With these changes comes the responsibility that you will one day be a mother and have children of your own. Your body will undergo various changes in the size of your breasts, face , height , weight as well as the onset of a regular flow of menstrual blood on a regular basis every month – this is nothing to be scared of – it is Allah (SWT)’s miracle where your womb is made ready every month to prepare to receive an egg for fertilization. These changes are coming much earlier in this generation compared to a few decades ago . Children are maturing much faster than what we can ever imagine. In previous generations , young girls started menstruating from the age of 13 years . Today , some girls as young as 9 years are beginning to menstruate. This means that if you have sex at this age , you can become pregnant. If you become pregnant at this age , your life will be shattered and the whole course of your life will be changed. Your dreams , goals and wishes to pursue a career may have to be postponed or abandoned forever. You must be happy with your own body ; your body will undergo various hormonal changes which will lead to emotional changes and mood fluctuations as well as pimples; this is a time for conflict with everyone and parents have to restrain themselves and discuss issues with love and understanding . The main word of caution for you is to avoid the peer pressure from your friends who will encourage you to start experimenting with kissing and sex ; some teenagers can make very hurtful remarks and may make you feel very isolated if you do not participate . Don’t listen to them ; you must have enough confidence in yourself that you are following the commands laid down by Allah (SWT) and you should simply say “No, I am not interested.” It will be a decision that you will never regret. Particularly avoid the ‘older boys” and men . They will shower you with gifts and flowers and false proclamations of love, but they are simply throwing out a net to get you into bed so that you lose your virginity ; they will then dump you and go to the next un-suspecting ‘softee” ; you will have lost various personal things in the process :

You may well have gained an unwanted pregnancy (many girls still have the mistaken myth that they cannot fall pregnant after their first sex

You may have gained a sexually transmitted disease (including HIV/AIDS); there are no cures for some sexual diseases and you may have them for life , for example Herpes and genital Warts ; some diseases , if not timeously and properly treated can lead to infertility (where you may not be able to have children) and an increased incidence of cancer of the cervix (entrance to the womb)

Your body is undergoing various changes that will prepare you to enter adulthood so that one day you can be a father to your own children. You will notice changes in your voice , you may develop acne and hair in various parts of your body. Nocturnal emission is common at this age as well as mood swings. Your natural body odours will increase so it is important for you to bath regularly and pay special attention to personal hygiene . Your body will be growing rapidly and you will need to eat a lot , exercise a lot and sleep a lot to allow your body to gain maximum physical benefits. You will be encouraged or ridiculed by some of your friends to have sex with a girl . You should be confident in your abilities as a free-thinking individual to make your own choices based on the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW). You should treat all girls and women with respect , kindness and courtesy and not as a commodity that can be used , abused and thrown aside. You will see lots of advertisements on TV, Newspapers and magazines that in order to avoid HIV/AIDS you should use a condom. Remember that this is not what Islam teaches us : Islam says : safe sex is “no sex before marriage”. Indulge in all activities that will develop your mind, body and spirit within the framework of Islam. These are wonderful years that you are going through , free of responsibility (except the homework!) – try and be the best “you” you can be.

Allah (SWT) has given mankind a free will. We all have to make choices in life. However , life offers us a whole banquet of choices and delicacies that sometimes leads to a state of utter confusion or paralysis. What is the right decision ? Who should I please ? What is fashionable ? Will my decision open me to ridicule ? etc . An undecided person is always a victim of circumstance , a pawn in the hands of the fashion trendsetters. The ones at peace are those individuals who use the Holy Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet Mohammed (SAW) as the compass to set the right course and to differentiate right from wrong. There is a lot of good in this wonderful world . However , there are also a lot of temptations. Temptations have to be present as a test for all of us. Ultimately , we are the decision makers. We can only make informed decisions based on knowledge. Many governments are now firmly advocating the policies of “virginity” , “no sex before marriage” , “no adultery” etc in a desperate attempt to re-kindle the value systems of prior generations. The beauty of Islam is that the Instructions and Guidelines contained in the Quran are valid forever and are immune to the vicissitudes of the latest trend. Allah (SWT) Created us . It therefore follows that He Knows what is Best for us. I do hope that this brief discussion has thrown some light on this very vast topic. I also hope that the current generation of teens and pre-teens who are occasionally faced with difficult choices will have a clearer foundation on which to base their decision. Finally , each year , a new crop of pre-teens is developing. It is our collective responsibility as a community and a nation , for adults to give clear guidelines to our youth. Our youth is our future and our destiny. May Allah (SWT), Most Gracious, Worthy of all Praise, in His Infinite Wisdom and Mercy , guide us and our youth to a path that is Straight.

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INTRODUCTION